It is somewhat surprising that, with the first exam approaching next Monday, I am still not in the 'exam mode'. I notice that most people are indeed terribly stressed and are stuck in piles of paper and notes, which ought to be the appropriate attitude in such a difficult time. Somehow I just couldn't gather that motivation needed for the final few days of revision... what is ridiculous and even close to absurdity is that I couldn't care less about the upcoming exams or even about my future... 'Something has died in me since a year ago'- this is the conviction that has been embedded in my mind since quite some time ago. I cannot even recall in detail what happened exactly but it was approximately a year ago when I began to lose confidence in myself and in God. 'Prayers do not work, miracles do not happen and christians are just a bunch of people too optimistic about life'- these notions would certainly please those who regard themselves as atheists, who defy the possibility of the divine existence of a transcendental super authority- God. I have since recovered little by little and my faith gradually returned when I discovered that the existence of God cannot be doubted (due to inexplicable reasons), what went wrong was my theology and the basis of my belief. However I know I have lost something which I used to have, an attribute which I used to treasure... I recently read a book named 'God on mute' and the author attempted to provide an answer as to why prayers are not answered. I notice that there are different types of response in relation to this particular area, one of which is that God's Kingdom is not fully established on earth yet (that is why we pray for his Kingdom to come in the Lord's prayer) and hence the world is still dominated by sin (the cause of failure). While I appreciate the strength and appeal of this explanation, I believe it could be a cruel and too complicated response to those suffering (imagine a situation where a girl's parents both die suddenly and you tell her that her prayers did not work simply because God's Kingdom is not fully established on earth yet). The author Pete Greig provided an alternative view on this topic to which he gave the title 'Life's a Bitch, but God is Good'. Pete talked about his friend Mike (who apparently looks like buzz lightyear in toystory) who was diagnosed with degenerative arthritis at the age of 32 (he was going to lose his job since he was an outdoor activities instructor) and had a daughter with profound physical disability. During an informal conversation, Pete Greig asked Mike how he is able to make sense of all these sufferings, to which Mike gave a stunning reply: 'I guess I used to think that... that I had some kind of divine right to happiness. I mean, obviously I knew there was going to be the occasional rough patch but... well, to be honest with you... these days I find it easier to just accept that life's tough than to feel sort of hard done as if I've been robbed. Why blame God for stuff that's just the reality of life on a messed up planet? Am I making any sense, Pete?' Having read this I had a sense of resonance with what Mike said. I have been praying for all sorts of things and I blame God every time for not answering my prayers when dreams shatter without noticing the inherent pride in my heart, feeling that my right to happiness has been taken away from me. Indeed, it is questionable whether such a right to happiness exists in the first place anyway. I fail to understand why I almost in every occasion put the blame on God when things do not go the way I want. The appreciation of the pragmatism of the notion that life is naturally hard and full of suffering as a reality somehow allows me to give up blaming and explaining why God is on mute and to attribute to God all glory when occasional miracles occur. God is good even when life is a bitch. I guess I am still standing in the middle. While willing to believe that God has the ability and is willing to be the ever-present help in trouble, I still have a sense of doubt that God might not at the end of the day provide help (maybe it is in his will that something else be done). To put it literally, I do not have the courage to move any forward than to merely recognize the ultimate ability that God possesses and that God is good even when life is not. The 'greater hope comes greater disappointment' idea suits me well and I guess this is the reason why I have lost all motivation... I am simply afraid to have hope again
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